10 Ways to Build a New Successful Relationship - Relationship Advice - Ask Chauntel

29-year-old James writes:

Hello Chauntel,

So, a female friend of mine who frequents your youtube videos suggested i look you up on youtube.  After some convincing I did just that, and i must say, you have some pretty good advice and you give a sound perspective from a reasonable woman (at least you seem reasonable on your videos, lol).... 

...a little about me - Somewhat recently there has been some changes in my life, I ended up getting a divorce and basically starting over with a lot of things in my life. In my mind this is one of the worst things that could have happened because I don't like divorce but it turned out being for the better especially after the truth reared it's ugly head about my ex-wife. I wasn't expecting things to pan out that way but they did and I dealt with it and it made me a better man.... 

...I took some personal time for a while (about a year and a half), I kinda stayed off the "scene" and i have only dated 2 women since I've been single. these were both very, very, VERY short lived relationships as i kinda knew right off the back that I wasn't feelin it too much. Recently I met this VERY nice woman who's relationship back ground is extremely similar to mine.  She has a lot of qualities that are rare these days and what I've been looking for for a long time She is divorced also, and dealt with some unfortunate treatment from her ex as well that she had to overcome. I am really liking what i'm seeing from her so far and we have MANY similar interests and we have a really good vibe together....I don't want to make something work if it's just not meant to be BUT from what I can see so far that isn't going to be an issue. .....for lack of better words, Help me keep this woman... lol 

i look forward to your response

Hello James,

I am so glad that things are going well between the two of you. Although, I am not aware of why your past relationship did not work out. I can give you a few general things to consider when looking to make a new relationship last. 

I have written 10- Ways to Build a New Successful Relationship. These are for serious relationships.

1. Build a Solid Foundation in Trust

If you take time to build trust in each-other, your relationship will not break or waiver. You should be able to have faith in one another. So that you won't have to stock each other's phones, emails, and Facebook accounts. 

2. Learn the Value of Compromise

It's not about you, and it is not about her, it about the "us." What can "we" do to make both of "us" happy. Sometimes, it is best to let her have her way. I know you are not married to her yet, but think of the saying "Happy Wife, Happy Life." For you it may be letting her choose where the vacation might be or what color we should paint the bathroom. 

It goes both ways for women too. Most of the time, it deals with different topics, though, such as letting you drive the motorcycle even-though it scares her to death. She might choose to let you do it, because she knows you love it, and it will make you happy.

3. Pay Close Attention to Detail and be Compassionate

If she doesn't want to have sex you should be able to read her body language, and you should not pressure her to do anything to make her feel uncomfortable. Also, you should know when she might need a massage, or when you need to take the spoon from her while she is cooking on the stove, and tell her to have a seat. Maybe slip her a cute little coupon made by you with some cash that says, "Pamper Yourself" Hair, Nails, Be Beautiful!

4. Exercise Active Listening Skills

If she is talking, listen. Don't just stare at her lips, but actually take time to pay attention to what she is saying. And paraphrase it back to her when she is done so that she knows that she was heard and understood. This provides her with assurance that the two of you are on the same page. Women need a lot of reassurance, it is the emotional part of our being. 

5. Learn to Communicate Effectively

Even if you don't want to talk about it, please do. If you don't it gets worse. However, it is important to know when it is appropriate to have a particular conversation. 

6. Set Boundaries from the Beginning

The two of you should know your roles. Are you a modern couple or are you traditional. Do you guys go dutch or do you always pick up the tab? Or do the two of you switch off? Do you plan  to have children or are you done with having them? If you do have children where will you live? How will they be raised? Who is the bread winner of the family? Will she want to work or be a stay at home mom? Are you ok with her staying at home? Are you ok with her working? 

Can the two of you have friends of the opposite sex? If so what is appropriate with keeping those relationships alive? What are both of your feelings about this?

7. Take it Slow but Know Your Limits

In every relationship, at least one person wants to make a serious commitment. Is there a timeframe? Do either of you care? Is it even time to go in this direction, maybe its too soon to think so serious?

The two of you need to know each others limits to some degree. It may be something that is expressed and discussed from the beginning, and it may not, but some type of understanding must be established. 

8. Be Sure That Both of You are Aware of Each-others Expectations

What are your expectations of her, and what are her expectations of you. Most of these you learn as you go, but some need to be discussed in more detail. 

9. Talk About the Non-negotiables and Find a Consensus

As you are beginning to get more serious within your relationships, you must talk about your 5 non-negotiables. For example: children, religion, education, career and location.......etc.

10. Be a Great Active Listener 

Listen closely to what she is saying and identify the challenges that she is expressing, and do your best to counteract those challenges. 

I Hope This Helps!

Chauntel

askchauntel@gmail.com

www.askchauntel.com